Hi, I'm Paulina from Chicago, IL

¡Hola Pau!

We’re parents to 2 trilingual girls (French= ML, Spanish = ml1, English = ml2) of 5 years and 20 months of age.

Your daughter is doing fine, she just needs time to “digest” all the words she hears (and she has twice as much to learn than her monolingual peers). Kids are like that, they absorb everything and when you least expect it (often MONTHS later) they start using these words.

It is very possible that you daughter is preferring English as it is the ML (Majority Language), and a lot of bilingual kids tend to go for this easy option. Indeed, why bother using the ml (minority language) when the parents speak the ML??? Kids always go for the easy option: "Why use a spoon when I can use my hands?”, "Why use my legs to walk when Daddy can carry me?”… To be honest, being a bilingual parent will mean pushing your kid a little, because if you leave it to them, they’ll go for the ML (and then regret it when they reach adulthood).

I’d say that to some extent you are very lucky. Though you are surrounded by the ML, you are using the minority language at home (ml@h) strategy. We switched to this only last year and I found this a lot more effective to get my then 4-year-old to use her mls (full story here if you’re interested in reading it). So much so we went as far as banning anything in ML from home (except our occasional guests, obviously! Lol ).

My 20-month-old is currently developing her language skills very quickly (but she's a second child--they pick up everything much faster). However, she does use some ML at home. The reason being that these words are usually easier for her than the ml one (“pa’tout” is a lot easier than “all over the place” or “por todos sitios”). For the moment, I can’t realistically ban her from using the ML, so I wait and gently repeat what she said in ml. I never speak to my daughters in ML unless I am outdoors in conversation with them and other ML speakers (if outside of home, I use the ml when I talk to my daughters directly).

I was wondering, you said your daughter shied away when prompted to speak in Spanish at home. Do you actually use Spanish outside of the home, when you are talking to her directly in the park/street/supermarket…? Does she also shy away in English outside of home? My 20-month-old also shies away when she does not want to make the effort or if with a stranger. To be honest it doesn’t worry me, I’d say its a toddler’s thing. Don’t fall in the pitfall of the classic myth that bilinguals suffer speech delay: there are loads of myths (one of them is calling the kids confused because they code-switch/switch languages).

So my tips are:

1) Avoid using the ML (English) with your daughter at home. I’d even say you should “protect” her from the ML and avoid too much ML media exposure at home. She is bound to pick up the ML from society. And trust me, when they start school there will be no escaping and the ML use at home gets worse. Many bilingual parents are stuck with a spouse that only speaks the ML. You are lucky, you both speak the ml….so stick to it! . And by the way, I don’t think you confuse your daughter telling her the word in the two languages. We regularly do it with both of my daughters since hubby and I speak a different ml to our daughters, and trust me, they understand. 

2) Give time to your daughter. We are giving them a huge (language) blessing, but it is also a long task for them to process. The more languages, the more work it is. My eldest only really started speaking properly in ML at 3 (she didn't use her mls back then). 

3) Don’t do your head in with those “measures” of how many words your kid should speak at such and such an age. We humans love to fit people into little boxes you can tick. But kids are only kids. They need time to bloom at their own pace. No two kids develop identically. (Hence avoid comparing with other kids too ).

4) Don’t pay too much attention to doctors' comments and other well-meaning meddlers.  Our society is very much prejudiced against bilingualism, doctors in particular thanks to an erroneous medical study made on the matter in the 1950s. I personally experienced this and was told to quit speaking ml2 to my eldest daughter. I refused and today I am so happy I didn’t! I also got nasty comments from relatives. Luckily, now that my eldest daughter answers back in ml, nobody dares to speak against our trilingual education, and cherry on the cake...we now even get compliments! In short, grow a thick skin.

I hope you enjoy Adam’s book, it’s a great read and will help you build your confidence in your decision to bring up your child bilingually.

Whatever happens, remember the journey is a veeeeeeery long one (at least till they're teenagers!!) so whatever happens don’t give up. Only constancy and perseverance will pay off! And when in doubt, reach out to us, we feel stronger together.

¡Animo!

Pau, welcome! Amy has written a really lovely, really helpful message so just let me tag on to some of her points.

Above all, the most important thing is (playful and patient) perseverance over the whole length of childhood, day after day after day. While I don't know the full details of your situation, it sounds like the odds of success are strongly on your side, since both you and your husband have ability in the minority language and I suspect there are plenty of additional sources of Spanish exposure that you could also access in your area, whether now or in the future. (My hometown is Quincy, Illinois, by the way, a bit downstate from you! )

As you mentioned, it's only natural for parents--and particularly, first-time parents--to feel anxious over a child's early development, but I would encourage you to view your bilingual aim from a much longer perspective. In your case, I would even suggest that, if you and your husband simply put in the daily effort to emphasize your daughter's exposure to Spanish while "de-emphasizing" English input at home--and, at the same time, don't "overthink" all this, which can lead to unnecessary and counterproductive worry--your daughter will make very satisfying progress, in both languages, over the months and years ahead.

Let me stress that your little daughter has not "chosen" English over Spanish. A child's tendency to use one language more than another is simply a reflection of the two "core conditions" of exposure and need. When there is ample exposure in a target language, and some genuine need to use it, there will eventually be active ability in that language. But I think it's true that, if you become "overeager" to have her speak, and thus are willing to set an early precedent of communicating in English, her need to use Spanish with you could be undercut.

Pau, while this aim does require mindful and proactive efforts, day by day, under the "right" circumstances (like yours), the process itself is actually quite straightforward and a successful outcome is practically preordained. But the "danger," in the early years, is that short-term concerns (which, ultimately, are often forgotten footnotes later on) can undermine this organic process and the family's joy in it, and even, in worst-case scenarios, derail the whole dream.

Here's a post at my blog which I hope will speak to you about the importance of patience, and faithful persistence, through the first formative years. (You'll also find a version of this perspective in my book.)

Important Thoughts on Babies and Hammers

Speaking of my book, I really hope you enjoy it and that it can extend these initial thoughts and provide you with further reassurance and help fuel your determination. I look forward to your impressions.

Pau, I send my best bilingual wishes, from Hiroshima to Chicago, to you and your family. Keep going, day by day, with as much playful and patient persistence--and as much mindful joy--as possible. There's always a payoff to perseverance and, indeed, I expect we'll be hearing about some happy progress from you in 2018.