Bonjour from a discouraged mom in Canada

Marie-France, welcome! You're at the right place for support and encouragement!

I have a few initial thoughts, which I'll share in a moment, but maybe we could all be more helpful with a few further specifics on your situation...

*When did your son begin attending daycare in French? How many hours does he spend there each day? What do the teachers say about his interactions and communication with them and with the other children? How much French is he actually using in this setting?

*You said you "plan on sending him to French school." Does this mean he'll be attending a French-speaking school from this point on, for kindergarten and elementary school, too?

*I feel your frustration about your relationship with your son, but could you also describe your interactions when it's just the two of you, enjoying your time together? Set aside, for a moment, the whole issue of language, and just give us a sense of the joyful, playful moments you share. What are they like? What are you doing when you're having fun? What do you laugh about?

*What do you mean that your husband has "become the primary caregiver"? He literally spends more time with your son than you do? And what is your husband's take on your relationship with your son, and your son's reluctance to use French with you?

Without knowing more about the situation, it's a bit difficult to respond. However, up front, I urge you to continue being as patient and as playful with your son as possible. It may be, quite simply, that he doesn't feel an organic need to use French with you--because he's well aware that you're fluent in English--and his pragmatism (which should only be expected in young children) is clashing with your expectations. If he's using French with others, at school, then this is likely the case and both your relationship, and his progress, would be better served by adjusting your expectations and your approach. I would advise that you not be hasty about trying to limit the time he spends with his grandparents: not only could this be counterproductive to family ties, I'm not sure that would effectively address the true needs of the situation, anyway. Nor do I think it would be productive to refuse to respond to him if he won't speak French with you. This guest post at my blog explains alternative strategies: Battling the Majority Language Giant (While Feeling Like a Minority Language Gnome).

Marie-France, I look forward to learning more about you and your family. In the meantime, this post might also be of some support...

Have You Failed at Raising a Bilingual Child?

My son began daycare at 8 months old in the mornings only for 3 hours a day, 2 days per week. Since he turned 12 months old, and I had to go back to work, he has attended daycare 4 days per week, for 9 hours per day. The daycare, which is an in-home daycare run by husband and wife, always say that he's a very nice child that is nice to the other kids. They do not speak English there - only French. They have told me that he understands what they say, but that he doesn't speak much. When he does, he switches between French and English. When I drop him off at daycare, he still seems to be shy with them, despite having attended the same daycare for some time now. It’s difficult for me to assess how much French he uses there, because I'm not present during this time (I'm at work). He certainly hears a lot of French. He understands French. It's just difficult getting him to speak French when everyone understands English.

You see, we live in Québec, right near the border between Ontario and Québec. Many residents of the Ontario side, only speak English, and many others are bilingual. The people that live on the Québec side are primarily bilingual. Rare are those that are monolingual French. Getting a job here often requires that you are bilingual. In fact, my husband, being monolingual Anglophone, has previously struggled in securing employment because of the requirement to be bilingual in this part of the country. Learning French is a much more difficult task in this environment than learning English.

I’m hoping that he attends French school, as opposed to English school or French immersion school. He would attend French school as long as possible - if his French is proficient enough to enter the French school system. For example, kids that don’t succeed in the French system often revert back to the English system.

My son and I do play quite a bit - when my husband isn’t around and when he isn’t crying to see my husband. I must admit that we interact in a more “physical way” as opposed to how my husband interacts with him. So, for example, on Saturday, we went to an indoor playground. We slid down slides and ran and threw balls in the ball park. There isn’t much speaking going on, it is more like a game of tag, or a race down the slide, or who can jump the highest. Often, he will stop playing and simply start asking about daddy.

Our daily weekly routine is as follows: I wake up and I get dressed. Then, I proceed to wake up my son. I gently wake him up and say “Good morning”. He usually grunts and screams for daddy. So, I tell him that daddy is downstairs making coffee. He either a) gets up and goes to see daddy downstairs or b) keeps on screaming until daddy comes to see him. Then, my husband says good morning to him. I then offer my son something for breakfast. My son will typically refuse whatever I offer him and will either make his own suggestion as to what he would like for breakfast, or accept what my husband offers him for breakfast. He will also often refuse if I serve him breakfast and only accept whatever my husband sets in front of him. While he’s eating breakfast, I’m usually prepping the lunch for my day at work. Once he’s done breakfast, I try to get him dressed. This is usually a 20 minute ordeal of kicking and screaming. He won’t dress himself and he doesn’t want to get out of his pajamas so I have to force him to get dressed in the morning, otherwise, we’d never get to work. In the meantime, my husband is getting ready and taking a shower. I then have to get him dressed in his winter clothes, which tends to be another ordeal. My husband brings him into the car - and somehow has fewer struggles with him.

My son still isn’t potty trained and still doesn’t dress himself despite having tried for over a year now. I’ve tried to entice him with new underwear and stickers without any luck. So, we drop him off at daycare, and he’s usually sad to see us go. He certainly prefers going to my in-laws house over daycare.

We pick him up from daycare after work and he’s usually excited to see us and starts speaking (English) instantly. He protests if I bring him to the car and not my husband.

In the evening, we get home and we prepare dinner. We always ask him what he’d like to eat for dinner and he’ll usually tell us that he wants pasta. If my husband prepares dinner, I often ask my son if he’d like to play with me. Often he says “No mommy - daddy play”. After dinner, my son likes to spend time with me in the bath...but he would prefer that my husband goes in the bath with him. He knows that my husband won’t do bathtime, so he settles with me. When I have to leave the house to do groceries or errands I say “Bye, I’m going to XXXX” and my son will just say “Bye maman”, however, if my husband says “I’ve got to go do XXXX”, my son has a temper tantrum when my husband leaves or when he finds out that my husband has left.

Often, in the evening, when I ask my son if he’d like me to read a book he says “No, daddy read a book” or “No, not read a book, it’s not bedtime.” Often, in the evening, after bath time and dinner time, I want to play with our son, but our son doesn’t want to play with me. He says “daddy only”. It’s really quite hurtful - I feel left out! Ha! He also does this to grandma (my mother-in-law) and prefers to hang out with grand-pah. Before bedtime, I can treat him to all sorts of things before bed - milk, cookies and a book is typically what I offer, but he refuses and demands that my husband puts him to bed - otherwise we are blessed with 2 hours of screaming and crying.

I hope this explains it...?! I haven't seen a child psychologist re. my son wanting to be with English speaking male figures compared to female figures. I thought it was simply normal little boy behaviour. I remember my little sister being like this when she was younger (but being attached to my mom and rejecting my dad).

Feel free if you have any other questions. Now I'm off to reading these posts that Adam has linked in his post.

Marie-France, thank you for sharing more about the situation. I can understand how discouraging this must be, both in terms of language development and your relationship with your son. However, the situation will improve in time so, despite the current frustrations, try to stay as mindful as possible of the larger arc of your son's growth, behaviorally and bilingually. He's still very young.

From what I gather, it seems there are two issues here: the first involves behavior, the second involves language. And, unfortunately, even though you appear to be doing the right things to nurture his ability in French, the behavioral issue is interfering with his progress, acting as a "drag" on his development. I would suggest that it might be better to first focus on addressing his behavior, since this underlies his language development, and, in fact, if the behavior improves, I suspect his French will improve, too. In other words, by addressing the behavior first, which could remove the "blockage" to his acquisition of French, the good efforts you've already been making will more effectively foster the active ability you seek.

Although it may be that time alone, and his growing maturity, will improve his behavior, as well as his progress in French, I think it would be very helpful to discuss the situation with a specialist or two in child development/behavioral issues for insight and guidance. I recommend, too, that the people you speak to have empathy for your bilingual aim (and are preferably bilingual themselves) so they won't make counterproductive suggestions along the lines of "maybe you should just speak English to him."

Marie-France, I hope these thoughts are useful. Please keep us posted on your efforts and your progress. Your patient perseverance will ultimately pay off in stronger bilingual ability for your son and, more fundamentally, a closer relationship for the two of you.