Hello from SoCal. We would love some feedback and advice!
Nov 4, 2021 1:44:45 GMT 9
Post by rickyandmelanie on Nov 4, 2021 1:44:45 GMT 9
Hello. My name is Ricky. I am married to my wife Melanie, who is from South Africa. We live in Southern California. We have 2 kids, Olivia who is 17 months old, and Giovanni who is 4 months old. We have been married for 2 and a half years. Last year we decided to move in with her parents to save money and get some extra help with the kids. We never really spoke about or came up with a plan for raising our kids bilingual. It was never discussed, and we never came up with a plan on what we would do.
Melanie and her family are from South Africa, and their first language is Afrikaans. They speak it to each other whenever they are together, even at family nights and parties where there are people who don’t understand it. They do make an effort to switch to English when non Afrikaans speakers are around, yet over the years I have felt somewhat isolated and out of the loop many times. We both also work with her parents in the same offices, so we are around each other basically 24/7, where they speak Afrikaans to each other both at home and at work.
Her brother also married a South African woman, and they are raising their 2 kids to be bilingual and to speak Afrikaans as their first language. They speak Afrikaans to the family, the grandparents, and to my wife. They do speak English to me when I am around, but oftentimes I feel left out of the conversations and often keep to myself and stay somewhat isolated. I understand that Afrikaans is their family language, and although difficult at times for me, I am ok with them speaking it to each other. Like I said, they do make an effort most of the time to speak English when I am around.
When we moved into her parents' house, Olivia was 4 months old. Her parents naturally started speaking Afrikaans to her, even in front of me. As I had mentioned previously, we never had a plan or even discussed how we wanted to start our bilingual journey. So naturally, after a while, I did not like the idea of her parents speaking Afrikaans to Olivia in front of me. The rest of her family would also speak Afrikaans to her, including their Au Pair who is South African as well. It got to a point where I became very uncomfortable, and felt left out. I didn't like the idea of her family speaking another language to my children in front of me that I didn't understand. I felt excluded and like I was missing out on special moments and words and experiences because I did not understand what was being said. It got to a point where we had to have a conversation with Melanie’s parents and let them know how I did not like them speaking Afrikaans to the children in front of me, as I felt left out.
We basically came to the solution and compromise of her parents speaking Afrikaans to her when I am not around. They speak English to her when I am around now, but continue to speak Afrikaans when I am not around. It still makes me feel uncomfortable, almost like they are doing something behind my back that I will never be a part of. I also feel that there is a lot of pressure on me due to the fact that her brother and her nephews and the rest of her family all speak Afrikaans.
The main problem is we never discussed how we would raise our kids to be bilingual. All of this stuff just started happening naturally on its own. It has led to a lot of arguments and fighting between my wife and I. I feel like if the situation were reversed, things would be different. My father is from Italy, and Italian is his first language. I also grew up in a house with Italian parents who spoke both English and Italian to us. I feel somewhat hypocritical at times because of this, because I was exposed to Italian since I was born, and I am going against how I was raised. Melanie is in favor of teaching our kids Italian as well as Afrikaans. She has been very supportive, and has encouraged it. There have been times when my Dad speaks Italian to our kids, and she has no problem with it. I was the one who had an issue with it, as I did not want my wife to feel isolated or not included. I would never want her to feel the way that I have felt around her family. I want it to be fair on both sides.
I speak Spanish and Italian fluently by the way. And when we first started dating, I really tried to learn Afrikaans and make an effort to speak it. Over the years, maybe due to feeling isolated or not part of the conversation, or difficulty of the language and lack of learning materials, this has changed. Now with kids of my own, I want the family to speak English around our kids, so I can understand and interact. I am ok with their family speaking Afrikaans to each other, but when it comes to our family and our kids, I want to know what is being said as well as be a part of the emotions and love being communicated. Melanie, her parents, her brother, sister in law, and nephews all speak perfect English, even though it is their second language.
We are constantly fighting about how our kids will be bilingual. Situations come up over and over again. I will be the first to admit that I do get triggered when they speak Afrikaans to our kids in front of me. I feel like no one's taking my feelings into account, even my own wife sometimes. I also feel very selfish sometimes. I feel like I need to get over my insecurities or fears. I know the benefits of raising a bilingual child, and the last thing I want to do is take something away from my kids that will benefit them. I also do not want to take their culture away from them by not having them learn Afrikaans. I realize how important this is for my wife, and her family, and that is why I have not shut down the possibility of them learning to speak Afrikaans.
I am in a very tough situation here, not just personally, but with my wife and our relationship, as well as my relationship with her family. I wish we would have spoken about how we wanted our bilingual journey to be. I wish we would have come up with a plan on what we would do, but we didn’t. And we are here now. I ultimately want what is best for our kids, and I would never put myself before them in any way. I want us all to be on the same page, and for my wife and her family to realize where I am coming from at the same time. I know there are a lot of couples who are successful, or who do OPOL, but for me, I feel like OPOL excludes one parent constantly. I do not want to miss out on any experiences, words, or moments because one of us is not fully present with the language being spoken, or vice versa. I have often thought that our happiness as a couple or family is more important than the language being spoken, as love has no language. I wonder at times if all of this is worth it, or if it is ruining our family. I also think that I could be the one who is at fault here, and that I am the only one holding our family back. I have a lot of feelings of selfishness, guilt, anger, frustration, and unhappiness. I am very close to giving up on this journey, and just focus on having a healthy, happy, and strong family unit, where the language spoken shouldn't matter.
I would love to hear any advice, experiences, opinions, or words of encouragement from anybody who is in this situation or has gone through something similar. We are both very loving parents, and our families come first for both of us over anything else. Thank you for reading this, and any feedback is welcomed and appreciated.
Melanie and her family are from South Africa, and their first language is Afrikaans. They speak it to each other whenever they are together, even at family nights and parties where there are people who don’t understand it. They do make an effort to switch to English when non Afrikaans speakers are around, yet over the years I have felt somewhat isolated and out of the loop many times. We both also work with her parents in the same offices, so we are around each other basically 24/7, where they speak Afrikaans to each other both at home and at work.
Her brother also married a South African woman, and they are raising their 2 kids to be bilingual and to speak Afrikaans as their first language. They speak Afrikaans to the family, the grandparents, and to my wife. They do speak English to me when I am around, but oftentimes I feel left out of the conversations and often keep to myself and stay somewhat isolated. I understand that Afrikaans is their family language, and although difficult at times for me, I am ok with them speaking it to each other. Like I said, they do make an effort most of the time to speak English when I am around.
When we moved into her parents' house, Olivia was 4 months old. Her parents naturally started speaking Afrikaans to her, even in front of me. As I had mentioned previously, we never had a plan or even discussed how we wanted to start our bilingual journey. So naturally, after a while, I did not like the idea of her parents speaking Afrikaans to Olivia in front of me. The rest of her family would also speak Afrikaans to her, including their Au Pair who is South African as well. It got to a point where I became very uncomfortable, and felt left out. I didn't like the idea of her family speaking another language to my children in front of me that I didn't understand. I felt excluded and like I was missing out on special moments and words and experiences because I did not understand what was being said. It got to a point where we had to have a conversation with Melanie’s parents and let them know how I did not like them speaking Afrikaans to the children in front of me, as I felt left out.
We basically came to the solution and compromise of her parents speaking Afrikaans to her when I am not around. They speak English to her when I am around now, but continue to speak Afrikaans when I am not around. It still makes me feel uncomfortable, almost like they are doing something behind my back that I will never be a part of. I also feel that there is a lot of pressure on me due to the fact that her brother and her nephews and the rest of her family all speak Afrikaans.
The main problem is we never discussed how we would raise our kids to be bilingual. All of this stuff just started happening naturally on its own. It has led to a lot of arguments and fighting between my wife and I. I feel like if the situation were reversed, things would be different. My father is from Italy, and Italian is his first language. I also grew up in a house with Italian parents who spoke both English and Italian to us. I feel somewhat hypocritical at times because of this, because I was exposed to Italian since I was born, and I am going against how I was raised. Melanie is in favor of teaching our kids Italian as well as Afrikaans. She has been very supportive, and has encouraged it. There have been times when my Dad speaks Italian to our kids, and she has no problem with it. I was the one who had an issue with it, as I did not want my wife to feel isolated or not included. I would never want her to feel the way that I have felt around her family. I want it to be fair on both sides.
I speak Spanish and Italian fluently by the way. And when we first started dating, I really tried to learn Afrikaans and make an effort to speak it. Over the years, maybe due to feeling isolated or not part of the conversation, or difficulty of the language and lack of learning materials, this has changed. Now with kids of my own, I want the family to speak English around our kids, so I can understand and interact. I am ok with their family speaking Afrikaans to each other, but when it comes to our family and our kids, I want to know what is being said as well as be a part of the emotions and love being communicated. Melanie, her parents, her brother, sister in law, and nephews all speak perfect English, even though it is their second language.
We are constantly fighting about how our kids will be bilingual. Situations come up over and over again. I will be the first to admit that I do get triggered when they speak Afrikaans to our kids in front of me. I feel like no one's taking my feelings into account, even my own wife sometimes. I also feel very selfish sometimes. I feel like I need to get over my insecurities or fears. I know the benefits of raising a bilingual child, and the last thing I want to do is take something away from my kids that will benefit them. I also do not want to take their culture away from them by not having them learn Afrikaans. I realize how important this is for my wife, and her family, and that is why I have not shut down the possibility of them learning to speak Afrikaans.
I am in a very tough situation here, not just personally, but with my wife and our relationship, as well as my relationship with her family. I wish we would have spoken about how we wanted our bilingual journey to be. I wish we would have come up with a plan on what we would do, but we didn’t. And we are here now. I ultimately want what is best for our kids, and I would never put myself before them in any way. I want us all to be on the same page, and for my wife and her family to realize where I am coming from at the same time. I know there are a lot of couples who are successful, or who do OPOL, but for me, I feel like OPOL excludes one parent constantly. I do not want to miss out on any experiences, words, or moments because one of us is not fully present with the language being spoken, or vice versa. I have often thought that our happiness as a couple or family is more important than the language being spoken, as love has no language. I wonder at times if all of this is worth it, or if it is ruining our family. I also think that I could be the one who is at fault here, and that I am the only one holding our family back. I have a lot of feelings of selfishness, guilt, anger, frustration, and unhappiness. I am very close to giving up on this journey, and just focus on having a healthy, happy, and strong family unit, where the language spoken shouldn't matter.
I would love to hear any advice, experiences, opinions, or words of encouragement from anybody who is in this situation or has gone through something similar. We are both very loving parents, and our families come first for both of us over anything else. Thank you for reading this, and any feedback is welcomed and appreciated.
Learn Afrikaans. I know you didn't choose this bilingual journey but it has arisen and you have to make do with it. As Epictetus said: "It is not what happens to you, but how you react to it."
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