Embarrassment over speaking a "foreign language" in public

Diana, I'm really glad to hear about this positive and productive shift in your perspective and your actions. This is definitely the right spirit for greater success so, yes, please continue to be as patient and consistent as possible, day by day. In the end, all our smaller worries won't matter at all so we mustn't let them distract us from our best efforts to advance the larger bilingual dream.

Hello Wojtek. I had to laugh at your middle finger idea. I have to admit I'd like to use it sometimes, but I'm a mother and the example for my son, lol! But I do I have a sticker in my fridge, with a picture of a Happy Bunny that reads "I just realized I don't care." That's my teenager attitude when people stare at us...I remember my happy bunny and truly, don't care!

Ulla, I'm completely on your side. If this mother is unable to understand and respect your feelings--which are very human, very reasonable--then I'm not sure this is a relationship worth maintaining beyond the minimum of your son's friendship. I know backing away from such relationships can be tricky, but, in my view, the bilingual journey is hard enough as it is and those who lack empathy for our aim are a negative influence we really don't need.

Excellent post, Sam!

I just encountered advice #15 yesterday - see the shout box.

Keep going!

Cheers, Mayken

Hi Sam!

This thread is brilliant and Reina's post is simply inspiring!

"Xenophobic" reactions have never really been what I feared.  My fear is a bit more peculiar and personal: I have always been concerned with speaking in public in English (my ml) with my daughter, yet never in Spanish (my husband's ml). When people hear Spanish, they get curious and interested. I never dread their reaction as after all it seems normal to me that my Franco-Spanish daughter speaks Spanish (ml1) and French (ML) languages (as Reina puts it: so the kids can communicate with their family abroad)...I never specify that in fact I teach my daughter English (ml2). What I fear most is people's reaction when they discover I teach English to my daughter when I am French. I have always been embarrassed to speak English in public with my daughter because of the attention it attracts. Over time, I have managed to overcome the discomfort on the street, though I remain a bit uneasy in confined spaces like lifts, corridors, waiting rooms, public transports, etc. (where you can't escape from people's attention).

But this morning I realised that in fact there are 2 situations (besides the xenophobic one):

1. People who are not familiar with my personal history and my English-level - they universally think it is a bad idea as I am not a native and will confuse my daughter with not only 2 but 3 languages! (And trying to make me feel like a bad mother.) That is why I tend to keep to myself the fact I talk to my children in English. To protect myself from their "bad vibes" (I'm too sensitive to bear some of people's comments, specially on such a very personal subject to me).

2. Those who either know me or people who overhear me talking in English on the street - and these ones, when they get talking to me and discover our story, they usually are very enthusiastic.

This distinction struck me this morning with an illustration of your advice #15: As we left home, I caught the lift with my daughter to make our way to the shops. I started opening the lift door and and noticed there was someone there, but as I usually do I braced myself and kept on chatting with my daughter. When she heard us, the lady that was in the lift gave us a big smile and asked us in English "Are you British?". Though flattered at the fact she thought I was a native, I was very embarrassed to own up to being French. But the lady seemed charming and we were going in the same direction, so we got chatting and I explained our story. Turns out she was an English teacher and she was really positive about what I was doing. Which in turns made me feel good.

I know I am very late to the party but I spent 2 hours reading this thread and Sam's blog and got shocked that it is an issue for so many people. I am an Asian minority living in Europe who's trying to exclusively speak ml to my children as I am the only source. The truth is, though, I have huge "emotional" issues when speaking my language in public. I sometimes get looks and awkward silence when I say something to my son in ml in front of other ML people. Because of that I also shut down and become much quieter and my replies become much shorter in public when my son talks to me or asks questions. One of my solutions to it is I always say things in ml to my son 1st and then repeat it in ML for the 3rd party. Most of the time I feel that I am being impolite and end up speaking ML. I got better as I started really committing to what I am doing with ml but it is still there and I don't think I can get rid of it completely.

My real question, though, is how do I avoid my children feeling the same way when they really start learning ml well and how do I help them deal with the negative feelings?

Hi everyone,

I can say I haven’t been on this site for a while. I read initially a lot of posts when my wife was expecting with our first daughter and now with our second here, I thought it would be great to re-read these. The knowledge is amazing! Thank you Adam and everyone for your insight.

I personally have felt that when going out, I will speak fewer words or quieter when speaking the ml (Spanish) at places like the store or library. I’ve felt an encouragement re-reading this post and feel confident my Spanish will be spoken up louder and prouder!

One thing that has helped me was noticing that families of difference cultures will always speak their ml in groups. Thinking back to my family, it was the same way. I was at the zoo the other day and when I noticed non-English language being spoken, it definitely gave me the confidence to speak up. Funny how the power of not feeling alone can change your mindset.